Horoscope for Trapos (corrupt traditional politicians)

Aquarius
If you’re a member of the House of Representatives, you better start preparing for those Japanese executives who are planning to go on a business-opportunity survey of your district. See if you can distribute as many cell phones as possible--even fake Nokia ones will do--to people in the streets in order to create a semblance of a sophisticated communications infrastructure. Of course, those potholes will have to be quickly covered with mud--the type that dries up easily and matches the color of the Mindanao Cement that the Magsaysay administration used to build roads in the 50s. Assign one of your aides to pass a note to the head of the Japanese delegation, indicating the going rate for “easing” business transactions. Make sure they realize that it’s no longer 15 percent (of the contract price) but 45 percent.

Pisces
It may seem like another ordinary day, but why not try doing something different for a change--like going to work? Most people at your office will appear glad you showed up. If you do, try to very quietly sneak into your office and find out who’s been using your PC to download pornographic materials on the Net. Send the bastard home. Before logging out, visit CNN’s Web site and titillate yourself with the Kenneth Starr Report; it beats playing mahjong with those beetle-nut-chewing senior citizens.

Aries
You’ve never really profited from jueteng and masiao operations in your area. It’s been monopolized by that darn gambling lord who claims he goes a long way with some retired general. It’s time to flex your own political muscle and demand a share in the daily proceeds. How about hiring Willie Nepomuceno to impersonate the president? Even a 50/50 request from El Presidente will be hard to refuse. An extra 10 million pesos a month will help you acquire more of those illegal fishponds. Imagine the employment they will help create ...

Taurus
Those hearings surrounding the electoral protest filed against you have seriously impaired your ability to govern, but don’t order your political rival whacked yet. There are more cost-effective, less repulsive options--like burning the Commission on Elections office. It will destroy and forever banish all evidence of your election-tampering, dagdag-bawas operation. Let your hatchet men do it while you’re distributing food and medicine to famine victims in Mindanao.

Gemini
That young, up-and-coming member of the rival political clan will be a serious threat to your reelection plans. See if you can arrange a tempting fellowship offer from Oxford University--the odds that he’ll like the English countryside, marry a white woman, and settle in England are pretty good. If that fails, order your goons to whack him. Of course, you’ll be on an official visit to the Vatican when that happens.

Cancer
You should now seriously contemplate running for national office--like the Senate or even the presidency. To raise funds, see if you can corner the banana trade with Guam and Papua New Guinea. Collect political debts from national politicians who benefited from your vigorous intimidation tactics during the last elections. Also, consider arms smuggling as a source of cold cash; visit convicted gun smuggler, former Representative De Guzman, and find out what he did wrong. It’s important not to get caught, so learn even from a fallen pro.

Leo
Strong but somewhat erratic vibes from Pluto indicate that it’s now time to retire from politics. You have amassed enough ill-gotten wealth; it has become absolutely shameful to want more. After all, Jr. has finished his doctorate from Yale. It’s time he takes over your position. Move on to less acrimonious pursuits like attending to your sugarcane, pineapple, and marijuana plantations.

Virgo
You may have to increase the allowance of one of your queridas. She is sure to bring you trouble in the next elections if you don’t treat her right. Take that blood test to make sure you have deniability in case she decides to file a paternity suit. If it’s determined that you are indeed the father of her son, go see your kid--it’s been 30 years since you made that cursory visit to the nursery.

Libra
Your shabu addiction may turn off voters in the next elections. If most of your constituents are not hooked to drugs yet, they can’t possibly relate to some of your bizarre behaviors like yelling “Alleluia” every time you see a woman wearing a miniskirt. You cannot afford to be booted out of office on such flimsy grounds. Political savvy requires one of two options: 1) Encourage aggressive drug peddling until majority of your constituents become addicted and act crazy like you, and 2) Pass a statute banning women from wearing miniskirts.

Scorpio
An unusual alignment between Jupiter and Saturn will make you really irritable. If you don’t stay sober, a little tiff with another politician will cause you to punch him in the face. Make sure that you don’t start a fight with a senator, because members of Senate are wily--as soon as you show signs of hostile intent, they will scamper to a safe distance and focus on hurting you with hard objects like a drinking glass or the hardcover edition of the Local Government Code. Stay away from karaoke bars as you won’t be able to non-violently handle boos from a drunken audience.

Sagittarius
This will be a good time to review your job description. Elections can sometimes get really hectic; you hardly find time to think about stuff like that. If development funds have been cut from your budget, don’t panic--the end of kickbacks is not the end of your career. Other opportunities abound, such as forcibly taking over illegal logging or quarry concessions. Kidnapping for ransom has also become a really lucrative enterprise; you might want to hook up and coordinate with the local Kuratong Baleleng or Allied Gang chapter. Never ever despair: there are ways to recoup your election expenses, and rest assured that cosmic forces--especially asteroids and black holes--are always on your side.

Capricorn
You may want to snap out of the long-standing delusion that you’re a big-shot untouchable. You won that last election by buying votes, remember? Those hip-hop youths wearing loose garments in giant malls hate your guts. They won’t touch you with a ten-foot pole; although, with a baseball bat, provide them with a getaway vehicle and they’ll beat you up in an instant. One or two will probably even try to choke you. The country’s young voters, they’re your enemies. If you’re a member of Congress, make sure you oppose the move to abolish ROTC. Those compulsory white-side-wall haircuts take away the youths’ self-esteem; for four semesters, they temporarily become too shy to openly hate and castigate trapos like you.