Zambales - Just as Gordon and Payumo were finally forced to hold a closed-door meeting to resolve the Subic standoff, a fighter pilot participating in the joint US-Philippine military exercise accidentally fired a short-range, minute missile at the building used by the two Subic protagonists. No one was reported injured except for Gordon who was hit by shrapnel in the face. While most of his injuries were scratches, a sharp glass believed to be a fragment of a chandelier cut deep into the base of Gordon’s tongue--probably damaging a vital nerve. Apparently, he was giving Payumo a tongue-lashing when the missile hit. Known for his rapid-fire, intelligent-sounding speeches, it is feared that Gordon may never be able to say a word again.

Payumo, on the other hand, avoided injury by a hair’s breadth. Gordon supporters who were in the vicinity when the firing occurred claimed that Payumo’s incredibly lush hairpiece was badly burned, and that they saw the new SBMA chairman (or “Erap’s illegal appointee” as they call him) stagger away from the scene, badly shaken. They reportedly forced him to don an “I Love Dick” baseball cap to conceal his ruined coiffure.

With Gordon effectively silenced and Payumo’s precarious self-esteem as badly burned as his toupee (as those folksy mountain people love to say, “killing two birds with one missile”), 990 of Manila’s 1,000 political pundits believe that Erap will soon announce the appointment of a new SBMA chairman.

There are no indications that the fighter pilot, a young man from Ashland, Kentucky, will be prosecuted for the accident. In fact, it was learned that he will be feted in Angeles City with a day of street dancing this weekend, courtesy of the British Chamber of Commerce. It will be recalled that the Chamber’s president was badly beaten by Gordon supporters during the ill-fated storming of Building 229.

Erap presents surefire economic formula to the nation

Malacanang - Sick and tired of the poverty that has beset his beloved masa, Erap unveiled today what he believes is a surefire solution to the seemingly intractable problem of unemployment. Moving forward from his “Speak Filipino” policy, Erap has officially declared the beginning of a truly prosperous era for the Filipino nation. Citing the more advanced Japanese and Korean economies and how their leaders require English interpreters, Erap has not wasted a minute pushing a two-pronged approach to building a world-class Philippine economy: First, challenge Japan and Korea in their top-notch ignorance of English by using Filipino as the medium of communication, both in schools and in government. Second, hire hundreds of thousands of local English interpreters to help teachers and government officials become comprehensible to students and citizens.

The plan will also involve the massive conversion of English materials such as textbooks and restaurant menus. By opening vast opportunities not only to language translators but to a large number of related professions and industries, Erap foresees the immediate generation of a massive, perhaps frantic business activity that will propel the economy to unprecedented levels of prosperity. He cites how changing all “Stop” and “Exit” signs to “Hinto” and “Labasan,” respectively, will create a remarkable multiplier effect: from employing linguists (to ensure that terms are not used in the wrong context; for example, “Stop” is best translated as “Huwag pumasok” [Don’t enter] in illegal gambling clubs), to providing job security to sign makers (who have been unemployed since after the May elections), creating a huge market for the paint and neon signs industries, and opening job opportunities to street hooligans who may have the best temperament to do the job of removing outdated street and building signs.

In a related development, the Department of Trade and Industry (DTI) lauded Erap’s policy proposal. In a confidential memorandum to the president, the chief of DTI’s Exports division confirms that there is in fact a strong international demand for discarded “Exit” signs especially in countries like Indonesia, where mobs recently burned giant malls. “As soon as we clarify with the Indonesian embassy that they indeed use the term ‘Exit’ as opposed to Good Ol’ England’s ‘Egress,’ we shall make the export quota available to one of your campaign contributors,” the DTI memo assured the president.