Pick-up Lines

The following are hypothetical pick-up lines by men in the news:
(For easier visualization, imagine Monica Lewinsky sitting alone in a hotel bar.)

President Erap Estrada, reputed mangler of the English language: “Hey baby, I’m the Philippine president. Can I conversation with you?”

Jerry Barican, newly appointed presidential spin doctor: “By ‘Hey baby,’ the kind-hearted president really meant that you are such a promising young person, and it is such a pity that the political repercussions of the lapse in judgment of which you and the US president may have been guilty has temporarily distracted you from self-actualizing your enormous potentials--not unlike the effect of poverty among the president’s beloved masa. ‘Can I conversation with you?’ was our street-smart president’s grammatically innovative way of saying that he is available to counsel you on issues of great importance, and you’ll have to party with him pretty much until 3 a.m.--after which I will be delighted to walk you back to your hotel room.”

Senator Raul Roco, Senate Committee on Constitutional Amendments and Revision of Codes and Laws, and 1998 presidential candidate: “Hello Monica! Classes A, B, and C voted me as the Philippine president but, due to technicalities involving classes D and E, my political mandate has not been made official; but you can call me Mr. President anyway. So ... can I amend your constitution?”

Senator Gregorio Honasan, the dean of all coup plotters and Diane Sawyer’s crush: “Ma’am, would you like to see and stroke my snake?” (For those who are dirty-minded, let it be known that Senator Honasan keeps a real pet snake--a boa constrictor.)

Lucio Tan, filthy-rich billionaire: “I’m in Forbes magazine’s list of the world’s top billionaires, and I own this hotel. Can I buy you a drink?”

Danding Cojuangco, former Marcos crony and now Erap’s: “Give me a little more time and I’ll be in Forbes too. Can I buy you a ranch in Australia?”

Felicito Payumo, Erap-appointed SBMA chairman and taunted for wearing an incredibly lush toupee: “Nice hair you’ve got there Monick.”

Richard Gordon, embattled SBMA chairman or ex-chairman: “How ya’ doin’? My name is DICK.”

Teddy Benigno, brazenly literate columnist and always nostalgic about the spirit of EDSA or People Power: “Hello, mademoiselle. Das kapital, lux domini, veritas, capo di tutti capi, sprakein heit ... what I really want to say is that recent political developments are like daggers tearing into the underbelly of our young democracy. Speaking of body parts, I think even Aphrodite will envy your ample bosom.”

Former President Fidel Ramos: “What a coincidence! I’ll need an intern for my new think tank project.”

Congressman Joker Arroyo, defeated by Villar in their acrimonious bid to become the speaker of the House of Representatives: “Have you seen Speaker Villar?” (Miss Lewinsky says no.) “See? I told you! I’m sick and tired of that SOB’s absenteeism. If you agree to go to my place, I’ll show you more documentary evidence of his illegal business deals with the Ramos administration.”

Cardinal Sin, recently delivered a sermon while Erap and FVR reportedly slept: “Good evening to you my dear. Heard any exciting sermons lately?”

Manoling Morato, controversial former lotto chief and defeated presidential contender (overwhelmingly rejected by voters): “Hey bitch ...”